he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Still dying that you shit outside
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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