I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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