Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
