My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
