why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
