getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
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