I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
