I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
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Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
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I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high