Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you