I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Four minutes until I can fart!
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
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