I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS