You just made me feel so damn special
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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