I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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