There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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