Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
