i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
