so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
you made out with another girl for some wings
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
