"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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