i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
So much rum. So many feels.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
