You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
