'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
