i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize