so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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