The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
