What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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