i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
