____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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