I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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