I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
