im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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