well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
