Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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