I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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