I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
