whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
