I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
