if i can run in heels then i can drive
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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