I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
