she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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