so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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