we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
