Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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