3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
