It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
