I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
