I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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