i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
