if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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