you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i out mim tonsoeep
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