the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize
