Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
