i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
