we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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