i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
