There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
