Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
