I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.