Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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